Chapter 4 - "I Can't Even Sing Anymore . . ." XI

A Third Grade High School Student

Thinking that my boarding school life will soon be coming to an end, I poked my nose into the Executive Committee to excess this year. I also worked hard for the Christmas party, eager to entertain everyone. I was so busy. But I was satisfied with myself this year because I did various activities for the sake of other people.

"I won;t let little things defeat me," said Mom, "so, Aya, you, too, will have to hang on for a prolonged war."

I was ashamed of myself for only thinking of the present. Spring will soon be over, As I put my hand out of the car window to catch the flower petals fluttering around, I could feel Mom's deep love. That gave me some peace of mind.

I'm more scared when I get up in the morning than when I go to sleep on my own. It takes me about an hour to fold up my futon and put on my uniform, another half an hour to go to the toilet, and then 40 minutes to eat breakfast. When my body isn't moving smoothly, it takes even longer. I don't even have time to look up at someone's face and say, 'Good morning.' I tend to look down all the time. This morning, I fell over again and got a nasty bang on my chin. I checked to see if it was bleeding. It wasn't, so I felt relieved. But I know that in several days I'l start feeling some pain, with bruises on my shoulders and arms.

I lost my center of balance in the bathtub and sank down bubbling into the water. Strangely, I didn't feel I might die. However, I saw a transparent world. I guess Heaven is like that . . .

I put my hand on my chest.

I can feel my heart beating.

My heart is working.

I'm pleased. I'm still alive!

The gums above my right front teeth are swollen. The nerves have died agian.

I went with the disabled group on an overnight trip. Many volunteers came along to look after us. Like a three-year-old infant in the rebellious phase, I had to keep saying, "I can do this by myselfm so I'll do it!" That stung my conscience. Etsuyo eats her food lying down. A girl who was passying by looked at her with a funny expression on her face. I'm glad I can eat sitting up. I began to think that we disabled people are all the same really, although our disabilities take different forms.

Rika, my four-year-old sister, was with us. She said a cruel thing:

"You aren't beautiful, Aya, you know, because you wobble."

I spouted out my tea involuntarily when I heard that. Young children are cruel because they say things in a straightforward way without considering whether someone may be hurt by what they say.