Agony
A thalidomide lady gave birth to a healthy baby girl. She changes the diaper and breast feeds, using her feet. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to feel happy for her, but only worry comes to me.
The Achilles tendon on the right leg feels stiff. I became depressed.
The most difficult thing for me is walking from one class to the next. I have to accept the help from classmates or hold onto something as I walk through the long hallways and stairs. It takes so much time, that I make my friends late to class.
Lunch time is a hassel too. Everyone finishes in like 5 minutes. I only get one bite or two in 5 minutes. Not only that, but I even have medicine to drink. When I feel like I won't finish eating in time, I drink down the medicine, look around, and if I see that there's someone else still eating, I try to eat as fast as possible. I wonder how many times I was able to finish eating my lunch. I feel bad not being able to finish the lunch that was made for me, but I just don't have enough time.
When I try to eat the leftover at home, "Give it to Koro. You can eat alot at dinner."
Aww what a waste. My lunch is like Aya+Koro.
Y-ko-chan and S-chan always helps me like they're my shadow.
"Sorry for always causing trouble."
"We're friends aren't we?"
This really makes me feel alot better.
"Friends are equal." But not always. Especially for me, I have to be carried and such or else I cannot survive school life.
I finally understand why the teachers sourly tell me, "Put in more effort to walk on your own."
There is only one road for me.
I don't have the right to pick my options. I can never go onto the same path as my friends.
If I make myself feel better by thinking that I'm going to walk the same paths as my friends, my own path will disappear...
I wanna go somewhere...
I wanna hit something really hard, yell and scream like crazy, fall down laughing....
Where I want to go.
Library, movie theatre, cafe(I wanna sit in the corner seat and drink lemon squash). But in the end, I can't go anywhere on my own. I feel so pathetic, miserable, and can't do anything about it, that I just cry.
I'm a big baby. But I can't help it. A crybaby and I have been together for 2 years now. Something little can't tear us apart.
Now, I can cry without making any noise and my nose won't turn red as long as I don't cry too much. There's nothing good about crying. It only makes me tired, makes my eyes puffy, plugs my nose, and takes away my appetite...
Lately I've been picking fights with people. Relationships with people are complicated. It's not like someone is wrong, but it just becomes worse without realization. I guess it's like my sickness. *tears*
This was a sad entry...wasn't it? It must be so hard on Aya even mentally when she feels bad all the time for the people who help her. I can sense her frustration as I read her diary because she can't do anything on her own. A little on the side note, Aya's friend's names Y-ko-chan and S-chan are used to keep their identities from the public. It's like in English using Person A and Person B. So these names aren't the actual names of the friends. Also~ thank you to everyone who commented on the entries and in the chatterbox!! I wish I can thank you guys individually...(^^;) but everyone's words are really uplifting!! It really does motivate me to keep translating!! Anyways~ don't worry cuz I'm going to continue to translate no matter how long it takes hehe
-Kiwi
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