Chapter 4 - "I Can't Even Sing Anymore . . ." VIII

Frustration

One of the teachers stopped me today and said, "Aya, are you feeling frustrated?"
I went speechless. I suppose they must have concluded that from my questions, my essays, my drawings, etc. But damn it! How could they dismiss what's inside my heart simply as frustration?

From having a healthy body, I've turned into a disabled person and my life has greatly changed because of that. What's more, my disease is still advancing. Now I'm fighting against my self. I can't have any sense of satisfaction while I'm fighting. As I go through all this worrying I know everything won't be solved by asking someone to listen to me, but I just want them to try and understand how I feel, and support me, even if only a little. That's why I consult Suzuki-sensei, showing him my notebook that includes all my thoughts and worries. other teachers tell me that I should try to digest them inside my self. But I can't stand or even move because the load on my shoulders is too heavy.

"Do I look like a girl representing Frustration Incarnate?" I asked Mom.
"Everyone suffers from frustration," she answered. "It's better to be brave and say whatever you think on the spot. If you worry too much later about what was said to you, or the things that you did, they'll think you're always concerned about something/"
I know I don't respond quickly. I sometimes don't even admit to my self that I'm disabled. I'm in the depths of despair. But, strangely, I don't feel like dying, because I feel a time of fun will come some day in the future . . .

Jesus Christ said that living in this world is a divine test. Did he mean that while you're leaving you should be looking at yourself after death . . . ? I must read the Bible.