The class distribution for the junior class was announced.
My name is no longer there.
I was able to make a decision, but it still makes me sad.
Only if I could just be healthy...
Get over it already! How long are you going to stay like that!?
You have to be able to have confidence that you yourself CAN overcome this illness!
I can't write as well anymore...is this a sign that the illness is getting worse?
It's okay if you fall.
You can just get up again.
Why don't you look up at the sky, while you're down there.
The blue sky spreads across above you.
Can you see it smiling at you?
You are alive.
I cried in front of my friends.
It made me very sad when my club teacher asked me, "Are you quitting school?"
Does it make you feel good to be crying? Not only does it make the people around you feel bad, but doesn't it make you feel empty?
Then stop crying! You're cuter when you smile.
And if you have something to say, just say it before you start crying!
Right now I feel worthless.
I'm gonna skip shower and go to sleep.
Tomorrow, I'm going to the handicap school for an interview.
Make the decision and don't cry anymore.
I continue to hope and pray to become someone great.
Handicap school...this name has a dark image...
Why can't it have a different name?
There may be nursing help inside a school, but there are no nursing society...
Conference with my teacher.
"I think that you could continue your studies at Higashikou with this small degree of handicap.... I wonder if something can be done if you don't have trouble with actually taking the classes. Are you really satisfied? Because the average of the academic ability at a handicap school is pretty low."
I cried inside myself, "I don't wanna hear it anymore! I don't want any sympathy!"
I actually had a slight hope when Dr. Yamamoto called the Board of Education. But their answer was that they have left the decisions up to the principal.
My mother said, "We were told that Higashikou cannot take care of her any longer, so there's nothing we can do about it. Coming to this decision was very difficult for Aya, but I want her to have hope and start a new life. Aya herself has already made the decision. Please carry on with this decision that we have made."
Honestly I still had a connection with Higashikou, but listening word for word, to what my mother was saying, my feelings became one with my mother.
As long as she is my support, I will be able to go on.
God, I will listen to my mother. I felt a deep love in her action. I'm going to become a better and stronger person.
On the way home, I stopped by Emi-chan's house. I had called before I went, so my aunt had great food ready for me, and when I got there, everyone was waiting for me.
I ate until I was full, and I was so sleepy I couldn't even think about studying.
I was planning to do my best on my last final exam, but so many things were happening that I couldn't concentrate.
I couldn't help but to think about the "flowering quince" inside the classroom...the color is really pretty, but why was it given such a name?
Ms.Motoko said,
"Whether you choose to go to handicap school or stay at Higashikou, the ultimate decision lies in your hands. That's what it means to live."
But I thought to myself,
"I have no choice, but to go to handicap school. I wanna stay in Higashikou, but the school won't let me, because they say I can't keep up with the school life. So, it's not really my decision. You're just saying things in a nicer way."
Ms.Motoko continued, saying,
"1. Stay clean. Be very strict to yourself and don't let anyone think that handicap people are dirty.
2. Treasure your friends.
3. In the future, you should master typing.
4. Don't forget about Higashikou."
I didn't tell her, but I kept repeating what she said and how I felt, over and over again in my mind.
The people around me surround me, attacking me with the word "handicap." I forced myself to think that the handicap school was the only place for me, trying to calm myself, and made the decision to transfer.
I looked back a couple months since the path of handicap school came about.
Emotionally, I had made the decision, but I realized that nothing was really organized in my mind. That's why my emotions were always so unstable.
I read the Bible. I accepted Jesus' words and calmly thought to myself.... I'm sorry God, I still lack faith. It's very difficult to become a devout Christian.
Alright, I will put my feet firmly on the ground and think rationally.
1. Allows people to see that there are people like me through our daily school life. (Gain the kindness to help each other)
2. Having many complex by comparing my handicap self with the normal healthy people, becomes a power for me to try harder.
3. I can learn alot from my teachers and friends.
1. I cannot keep up with the class schedule.
2. I have the habit of relying on my friends and teachers.
3. I only hang out with the same group of friends and cannot join other larger groups.(My abilities has limitations).
4. I become a burden to people because I cannot help during cleaning time.
1. I can live independently.
2. Become less of a burden to the people around me.
3. I can think about my future.
4. Gain skills needed in life.
5. Between the handicapped students, we will be able to understand each other.
1. Start to use the term "handicap" as an excuse.
2. Have less opportunities to interact with my healthy friends.
3. My learning speed will slow down.
Hi everyone! I'm sorry this entry is posted late! This was a long chapter and difficult to translate, but I hope its not too hard to understand. A sidenote: In this entry, Aya mentions a flower called a "flowering quince" which is called a "boke" in Japanese. This word boke means to be a little stupid, silly, or dense, so that is why Aya asks herself why the pretty flower is given such a name.
-Kiwi
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