My Diagnosis
I can't make loud noises anymore. I dunno if my abdominal muscle got weaker or if my breathing capacity is getting smaller.
Maybe because I'm limited with where I can go, but I don't even know what I want anymore. But... I want to do something. I wanna do something so badly that I can't stand it. My hands and feet are being tightly bounded. People being nice to me is a pain for me.
Y-ko-chan came with me to the bathroom. I made her 5 minutes late. After my feelings of "I'm so sorry! I'm really sorry!" this frustrating feeling of "Why can't I do this simple thing on my own? I feel so stupid and frustrated!" just builds up inside me.
A victim is a human that has a heart too!
Not being able to hear is not a misfortune. It's convenient.
I want to be happy, so I have to find something that I can compete equally, with a normal person. You're only 16. You're still young so try harder!
During homeroom, we had the picking of the different officers. 45classmates, 44officers.
I didn't want to think that I was left out, so I decided to do an angel's job. I can pick up trash that's left on the ground, and even close the window. If I put myself into it, I can do alot of things.
I'm about to lose to the sickness.
No! I'm not gonna lose! No matter how hard I try and act happy, when I see my teacher, sisters, brother, and my friends walking normally, I feel miserable.
I wanted to see something that would touch my heart, so I went to go watch a marathon by myself. But, it only made me feel more depressed. I felt a melancholy feeling in "Running." My friends are going to leave me. I started to realize what a big handi it is to have a unhealthy body.
I decided to read my favorite book while sitting out during P.E.
I try to copy what I can get out from the book, "Hello Miss(Ojyousan Konnichiwa)," (Kusanagi Taizou).
Right now, I'm reading "I'm 20years old (Bokuwa 20sai)," (Oka Shinji) with the thought that I will never commit suicide.
I cannot live without thinking. I can't just simply say, "Oh well~."
Even walking....I think about what the best way of walking for me is, or if the path I'm taking isn't too rough for me, or cleaning as well... I think of ways I can do it on my own, in the most efficient way...
Even I feel pity for Aya.
But on the other hand there's good things too!
I can't go on without thinking that.
My body is becoming stiffer. I dunno if it's because it's getting colder, or because my sickness is getting worse, but I fall even when I'm holding onto something. It's too dangerous for me to go out into the road. Now my mom has to drive me to school. Before going to work, she drops me off at school. I hang onto her shoulder for support and she takes me to the shoe cupboard. While I put on the Uwagutsu (Everyone else has slippers), my mom runs to my classroom on the second floor to drop off my school bag and lunch.
Then I just slowly walk up to my class hanging onto the rail.
After school I wait until 6 'o clock at the candy shop across the street from school. The lady at the candy shop kindly told me, "You can go inside and do your homework or read."
Kids who are just going home from school, because of sports, come to the shop so it's a little embarassing, but I put up with it because there's no other choice.
I fell again while walking to my class. I got a slight cut on my right temple.
S-chan helped me up. Before I can say "Thank you," tears started falling out of my eyes and I couldn't make it into words.
Sorry for keeping you all waiting...but I'm back (^^)// Anyways, a couple of side notes: the officers mentioned in this entry is kind of similar to a class cabinet except it's like, there's 2 people in charge for each thing (such as the cleaning committee, cleaning committee...) Since Aya can't do any of it, she calls her job an angel job, where she does little things to help out. Also, uwagutsu is like a shoe worn inside a school (worn in elementary school) so it is different from slippers.
-Kiwi
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