My Decision
My mom went to visit a school for the handicapped, in Okazaki. She told me about it, and for some reason, I couldn't stop crying.
My sister is studying very hard, because its exam week. I'm doing nothing. I can't get the school for handicapped children out of my mind.
Honestly, I know that I can't stay at Higashikou for 3 years. I don't know anything about handicap school. It's an unknown world for me. Colombus and Gama must have went into the unknown world with 4 hopes and 6 fears.
Hope
1. I will be able to see a clearer future.
2. I will be able to live my own life.
3. The facilities and the system seems to be very good.
4. I will be able to make handicapped friends.
Fear
1. I will be less like a human.
2. I don't know if I'll be able to live with other people.
3. Saying goodbye to me high school friends.
4. How the people(society) will look at me (because of the image of handicap school).
5. Boys.
6. A change within the family.
I wonder if my little sister will remember me, even if I go away and stay in the dorm. And my brother...will he at least sometimes think about me? (This seems like I'm gonna go commit suicide or something).
S-chan has been living alone since freshman year, because her house is far and can't commute to school. The reason may be different from me, but I can understand her lonliness.
A big fly is buzzing by the the window. Flies in the winter need to be killed. But when I thought about them giving birth to many children in the summer, I couldn't kill it, feeling the importance of "life."
I was looking at the new classroom building from the window. I became emotional as I thought to myself "Aww this is Higashikou."
When I looked up at the sky, there was a white moon.
"You didn't choose to be sick. There are many things you can do, even if you are handicapped. If you were a person who didn't have the power to think, you wouldn't have been able to feel the kindness, and the warmth that people have, which you first realized after getting sick," says mom.
S-chan and I talked in the sunshine by the lakeside, listening to the birds singing.
"Aya-chan, you're one strange girl. You say, 'The sky is beautiful, it's so blue,' and is easily amazed. Your heart must be very pure," says S-chan.
I asked her, "Is there anyone that lets you be yourself when you're with them?"
"Hmm maybe my little sister or brother, because I can be arrogant. But I can be myself the most when I'm alone."
S-chan chose to live on her own. Aya is torn away from her family.
This is a big difference...
I was able to talk to her again.
People call her Sa-chan.
Her family consists of her father, mother, younger sister, and the 44 mice. In her own yard, there is a graveyard for her mice and she puts grasses on their graves.
In French, the forget-me-not is translated as a mouse. Sa-chan told me that this was because the forget-me-not looks like a mouse.
"I (she uses Boku when she talks, even though she is a girl) think that when someone dies, they have died instead of me. You(Aya) have a bad leg. So, I think that I need to live my life earnestly for you."
"I believe that people have special power (I just nodd and listen to her). To an amoeba, we are people with special powers, so for a blind person, aren't people who are able to see, people with supernatural powers?"
Sa-chan doesn't toil. I love her! But neither Sa-chan nor Aya will be in Higashikou next year.
In English grammar class, K-chan cried saying she was disappointed. (She had gotten a low grade on her test).
The teacher became franctic and said, "Don't cry! If you're gonna cry, you should have tried harder in the first place."
It was scary. Thinking that I would never get in trouble like that no matter how bad my grade would be, made me sad.
I was telling Sa-chan about the time when my body became warm from doing sports.
"Playing push-and-shove is the best!"
"Even in soccer and basketball, you don't need to touch the ball, all you need to do is run."
I was a little embarassed when I rambled on about the things I cannot do anymore.
I watched the movie, "The Lily in the Field" on tv.
I believe in God. Thinking that God is probably testing me through these hardships, made me feel alot better. Somehow, I do not want to forget this feeling.
It's almost New Years. Many people helped and cared for me this year. It seems like next year is going to be a tough year... fighting against myself. This is because the Aya right now cannot admit that she is a handicap. I don't want to. It's scary. But I can't keep running away! If I go to handicap school...
It scares me to think about attending the handicap school. It may be true that it would be a great place for a handicap person like me, but I want to stay in Higashikou.
I want to study with everyone.
I want to learn about many things and become a big person.
I don't want to think about my healthy classmates leaving me behind.
My mother sometimes talks about the handicap school.
Aya is capable of doing things on her own even though it may take alot of time.
She told me how I can change from a person being helped, to a person giving help.
I am on the cliff of making a huge decision and that time is coming soon.
Some side notes for this entry: Higashikou is a short-hand way of saying Higashi High School. Also, Sa-chan uses the word, Boku which are used by boys for the word, "I." Therefore, Aya makes a comment about her using that word.
I will be trying to update the entries at least once a week, depending on my free-time.
I hope you'll understand that I am only a college student, working part-time, and doing volunteers, so I cannot update as much as I would like to. Nevertheless, I will try my best in translating Aya's diary! Thank you!
-Kiwi
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