Chapter 3.21 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

Bitter thoughts...

Teacher A and I were talking in the classroom, “I dreamt myself straightening my back, and finally I was able to walk again, and Teacher was very happy when you saw me.” Teacher said,” Thinking about it is ok, but during washing your own clothes or be the student on duty that moment, you will still feel tough right?”
She continued, ”There was a girl who suffer the same illness once wrote a poem “God made me disable, why do I still believe in god, is this testing my endurance?” Forcing the child to this end, I also felt helpless.”
I said, ”But teacher, actually I also thought of this too, why my body will suddenly fail on me, the reason could be sacrificing a lot of people’s convenience, giving them lots of trouble. Not only that, I also tried lots of reasons to comfort myself.”
Looking out of the window, I saw the beautiful rainbow and I hurried to my wheelchair and went out. Classmate T told me, “Wow. You’re so lucky to sit on the wheelchair.” I actually wanted to reply. “To me, walking is much more fortunate thing.” But not to spoil the beautiful rainbow scenario, I kept quiet.
Every Saturday, dad and mum and pick me up and stay at home for a night. Then Sunday night, I will return back to school. Every time seeing me with new bruises, Mum asked.” Do you fall often?” I answered, “Its due to rushing for time, because my movements are too slow, I have to ask the hostel auntie wake me up at 4am and study. Otherwise, I will never finish a day’s work… But sometimes I fall when I’m impatient and my movements are getting stiff, so I tend to fall down easily.”
All the while, I always wanted to maintain my walking ability, only when I am out then I will use the wheelchair. But some things are pretty urgent, for example the long journey to the library, because of the lack of time, I have to use the wheelchair. I take the wheelchair, my mind will always wander “Every time taking the wheelchair I would feel,” I could no longer walk anymore” That really makes me feel sad.
I met the hostel auntie at the passageway. ”Good morning.” ”Eh? You are taking the wheelchair, not bad maintaining a happy attitude.” Hearing those words, I felt my heart stuffy unable to breathe. I thought to myself.” What’s so happy about? I want to walk too. All because of unable to walk, makes me so troubled. I have no choice but to sit the wheelchair, do everyone thinks I enjoy sitting on the wheelchair?”
My mood was feeling really depressed that I don’t want to live up my head. My illness is getting worse… cause mum’s white hair seems to start appearing more and more…