Chapter 3.23 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

The understanding of a handicapped. (Part 2 of 4)

Yesterday was my turn to go to the library for my duties, I spent 20 minutes walking along the second floor walkway, but when I reached there was no one, I’m really too slow. I was depressed, borrowed a book. If I exceeded the time where the school gate close, I can just call the hostel and school, but still I cant help but cry again.

Just only around 4pm, the librarian scolded me,” Go back quick! If you want to borrow books, you have to come earlier.” I was so angry! What a cold-blooded person. My movements are 1 time slower than a normal person. It’s impossible to plan ahead of my time no matter how hard I try. And I spend too much time on daily routines like washing clothes. This stuffs are not using just time that I can solve the problem.

Today’s destination is the zoo. I’m so tired of going to places like the zoo. The boring faces of a orang utan, black monkeys that throw stones, penguins that doesn’t catch fish, and etc.

I really hate the daily duties of the hostel, but for the sake of adapting to the group environment, this is something I can’t avoid. I always so slow, no matter how hard I try I’m always slower than the others. During the announcement, the duties are only half done, during the end of the fitness lesson, the in charge told me, “Aya, You didn’t clean up your room. Go to toilet and clean up the rubbish and towels.”

“Please forgive me, I will endure all the pain and challenge…” God, please tell me. When will all this end? This always in the end makes me even weaker.
If my body can be more active, even if cleaning the toilets, I will be more than happy to clean it. But as I couldn’t control my movements well, I can only scold in my mind “I detest it!” But my mouth just couldn’t say it, and everyone just left.

Returning back to the room, I couldn’t help but burst out crying. The hostel auntie saw me and said, “ You can’t always cry in a group environment. “ But what exactly should I do instead?

Chapter 3.22 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

The understanding of a handicapped. (Part 1 of 4)

A May’s sunny day let us feeling so eased. Today there is a small sport event and it happens to be on Mother’s day. And something that I cannot forget, which is Sister’s birthday. It is really a wonderful day.
I called my cousin at Nagoya, hope she can come over and visit me. Because I want her to know how hard working I am to survive. Huimei and me are childhood buddies; we always share the same bed. During the summer and winter holidays, we would go to each other’s house for vacation.
She wore a white shirt, a dress, clipping a gold hair clip on her curly hair and wearing red heel shoes. With her long eyelashes and big eyes and beautiful features, it’s difficult to imagine her only a high school third year student. She’s always mistaken as a men’s cousin. Ah Xiang came and visit me too.
The corner of the sports hall grew a bunch of fortune grasses. We sat together and started to search for a 4-clover leaf. We hoped we could give our mum good fortune. “Is 4-clover leaf very fortunate?” Huimei asked. So I tell her how I feel from the bottom of my heart. “4-clover leaf is the transformation of a 3-clover leaf, it is said rare change things give luck to us… “ Huimei understood deeply and replied, “Is it because it is rare?” Yar, it’s because it is rare then it will me people feel fortunate. Once you find it, you will feel great and joyful, and then the fortunate feeling will flow through you.
Today I fall again and hurt myself, and I cried again. I should be stronger. It could be due to the morning my actions are too rushed or my feelings too rushing. I tell myself to bring my leg forward but in the end it didn’t follow my commands. Thus, my body fell, I wanted to bring out my hand and blocked, but I can’t and bang….
While on the way to the medical room through a stretcher, I saw the sky. I think to myself, it’s been a long time I lie down and looked up at the sky. Lying at the medical room, I could also saw the sky through the window. The white clouds pass through the big blue sky, it’s really difficult to describe the beautiful scenario. Yar! When one day I a finally completely bed-ridden, I can lie at the bed and watch the sky. A singer once sang a song, which the lyrics were “Keep moving forward! Even though tears are falling out….” Yes! Its that feeling. I fell asleep for an hour, and woke up refresh and went to the toilet. (Western Toilet) I sat at the toilet bowl thinking the answer and finally concluded. I am getting slower than usual.

Chapter 3.21 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

Bitter thoughts...

Teacher A and I were talking in the classroom, “I dreamt myself straightening my back, and finally I was able to walk again, and Teacher was very happy when you saw me.” Teacher said,” Thinking about it is ok, but during washing your own clothes or be the student on duty that moment, you will still feel tough right?”
She continued, ”There was a girl who suffer the same illness once wrote a poem “God made me disable, why do I still believe in god, is this testing my endurance?” Forcing the child to this end, I also felt helpless.”
I said, ”But teacher, actually I also thought of this too, why my body will suddenly fail on me, the reason could be sacrificing a lot of people’s convenience, giving them lots of trouble. Not only that, I also tried lots of reasons to comfort myself.”
Looking out of the window, I saw the beautiful rainbow and I hurried to my wheelchair and went out. Classmate T told me, “Wow. You’re so lucky to sit on the wheelchair.” I actually wanted to reply. “To me, walking is much more fortunate thing.” But not to spoil the beautiful rainbow scenario, I kept quiet.
Every Saturday, dad and mum and pick me up and stay at home for a night. Then Sunday night, I will return back to school. Every time seeing me with new bruises, Mum asked.” Do you fall often?” I answered, “Its due to rushing for time, because my movements are too slow, I have to ask the hostel auntie wake me up at 4am and study. Otherwise, I will never finish a day’s work… But sometimes I fall when I’m impatient and my movements are getting stiff, so I tend to fall down easily.”
All the while, I always wanted to maintain my walking ability, only when I am out then I will use the wheelchair. But some things are pretty urgent, for example the long journey to the library, because of the lack of time, I have to use the wheelchair. I take the wheelchair, my mind will always wander “Every time taking the wheelchair I would feel,” I could no longer walk anymore” That really makes me feel sad.
I met the hostel auntie at the passageway. ”Good morning.” ”Eh? You are taking the wheelchair, not bad maintaining a happy attitude.” Hearing those words, I felt my heart stuffy unable to breathe. I thought to myself.” What’s so happy about? I want to walk too. All because of unable to walk, makes me so troubled. I have no choice but to sit the wheelchair, do everyone thinks I enjoy sitting on the wheelchair?”
My mood was feeling really depressed that I don’t want to live up my head. My illness is getting worse… cause mum’s white hair seems to start appearing more and more…

Chapter 3.20 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

Change of School. Life in the Hostel.

A car full of daily items, I finally join the Special School. Other students have also started going to school once the new term starts. The room was very big and spacious like a classroom and there’s a small passageway at the middle of the room with Tatami lying on the floor to differentiate the left and right of the room.

Everyone have his or her own study table, cabinet and lamp. The area nearest my room is my castle.
“You do not need these things yet, so it will be tight above; daily items that you will need everyday will be within reach.” Mum said as she unpacks everything for me.
Besides me, there were a few other girls’ mum busy unpacking for them, nobody bothered about my presence and I wondered if it should be a good or a bad thing.

“You have to forget about your previous school soon, and be a student here.” Teacher told me. For trying to forget the past as soon as possible, I kept the school badge in the deepest cornet of my drawer.

It’s getting more and more difficult for me to walk forward properly. I had to use all my might holding onto the handrails and my mouth would kept repeating…’ Don’t’ be afraid… Don’t be afraid…’ ‘Is it that I really can’t do it anymore?’ I wondered, and thinking these depressing things really makes me very lost.

“Human Beings sure can walk!”
B teacher words still linger around my mind. I also think so too! I want to walk forward and fight this on my own.

While on my way to the classroom, I fell down. I was crying and Teacher A saw me. He asked, “Are you feeling sad?” And I answered, “Instead of feeling sad, I think I felt unfair!”

Why do human beings use their legs to walk? It is natural to see friends running with their legs but now I can’t stop wondering why they can run and not me. Now walking is already a difficult task for me. Is this a correct choice to choose where I am now? Sometimes watching kids playing baseball… teacher playing with students at the hallway… Really makes me feel scary and lost.

Although I am no longer the student in my previous school, I still can’t acknowledge myself the reality of me being a student in this Special school.
If a stranger asked me which school I am from, this might be my answer I guess…

Chapter 3.19 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

Handicapped Buddies

“ 葡公英之会” is a gathering for the handicapped. They brought us to a western restaurant named “巴洛克” today, and there was a classical piano. After I told Miss 山口 to play the piano next time, she laughed.
After that, we went to 纯子’s house, although she can’t hear anything, but she can use sign language and communicate with us very well. Her expression is always so cute.
I’ve learnt a few sign languages, but I still want to carry on improving, so we can be best friends.
And I feel that her mum and my mum they sound alike.

(Teachings from my buddies)
1. As a handicapped, if we always don’t move forward, we will never change and improve ourselves.
2. Instead of pursuing things that are already lost, we might as well treasure the things we have now.
3. If we always moan how clever we are used to be, it will only increase our depression.

Chapter 3.18 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

http://diaryofaya.blogspot.com/index.html#3372190542393850154

Wheelchair

“Aya, I bought you a wheelchair”
“Ah!”
Mum gently told me “Although the school has handrails along the hallway, but when turning, it could be pretty dangerous. While turning, you need to change from standing to squatting, then back to standing position again, sometimes there may be problems if u are impatient, not only that , u might fall during the process. If this problem continues, you won’t be able to go out alone. But with the wheelchair, even if you have not enough strength on your wrist, you just need to push the button gently and you can travel up the slope easily. I heard the wheelchair can travel around 5km/hour which is almost similar to walking speed. Not only it’s not dangerous, the operations are easy too which is very ideal for you to use. But you mustn’t be spoilt or too dependent to the wheelchair, must always use your own strength to walk, and not to be too lazy. Can you promise to learn well on the wheelchair operations?”
“Can I really travel outside all by myself finally?” I can’t help at the top of my world feeling my world has expanded one more round.
I want to travel all by myself.
No longer do I need to write down the name of the book I want and ask someone to buy it for me. It seems like a dream to me to see the bookstore boss passing the book I want directly to me.
Great! Before I proceed to Special School, I will read the operation manual and try practice outside.
The company sent the wheelchair to my house. I watched them setup the wheelchair, inserting the two handles, on the button and the wheelchair is ready to go.
“Aya, try the wheelchair. You just have to grab the handle and push back and forth, you can go anywhere with it and the operations are very easy.”
I sat on it; slightly push my hand forward and the wheelchair moves forward. The wheelchair produces a soft sound while moving. I tried turning and pushed myself to practice for a while. Not for a short while, my usual tantrum started again, my tears can’t help falling.
“What happened?”
“It’s been a long time since I can move around with freedom. I am so happy.” Although replying that, but my heart felt complicated, words could not describe how I feel right now. I want to practice hard and sooner or later I will be able to travel to the bookshop with no problems.
I looked out the window and it was raining.
I work hard cleaning the kitchen and toilets and felt like a new strength has been injected to my body.
Although I have stop studying (Luckily I still felt like a student)
Talking about the wheelchair, (Note: Japanese translated as “Car Chair”) In Japanese, Sister can be known as chair and father as car, combining would be a wheelchair. ??????? Pardon my understanding for this paragraph.
During my first year in school, my younger sister saw the wheelchair in a hospital; and was so tempted to sit on it and play. Mum said, “Wheelchair is not for you to play. They are for people who are inconvenient to walk.”
Till now, I still remember these words.
I can’t help thinking (Some people from a camp in Germany I think) that we are alike because our feelings are starting to get numb as time goes by.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 Litre no Namida Memoir Intro

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1_Litre_no_Namida

1 Litre no Namida (1リットルの涙 ,Ichi Rittoru no Namida?, lit. "1 Litre of Tears"; also called A Diary with Tears or A Diary of Tears) is a dramatic tragedy diary written by Aya Kitō (木藤亜也 ,Kitō Aya?, July 19, 1962 - May 23, 1988) published shortly before her death. The diary, a true story based on her own life, was originally written in first person. It is about a girl coping with her teenage life along with a degenerative disease. She keeps a diary of not only what she does but how she feels and the hardships she must endure. Initially, the diary's purpose was for Kitô to chronicle impressions she had about how the disease was affecting her daily life. As the disease progressed, however, the diary became Kitô's outlet for describing the intense personal struggles she underwent in coping, adapting, and ultimately trying to survive her disease. As she notes in one entry, "I write because writing is evidence that I am still alive."

Plot summary

Aya Kito was diagnosed with a disease called spinocerebellar Degeneration when she was 15 years old. The disease causes the person to lose control over their body, but because the person can retain all mental ability the disease acts as a prison. Aya discovers this disastrous news as the disease has already developed. There is no cure.

Through family, medical examinations and rehabilitations, and finally succumbing to the disease, Aya must cope with the disease and live on with life until her death at the age of 25.

Film

A Litre of Tears is the film version of the drama.

TV series

A Japanese TV drama, with the same title 1 Litre no Namida, was aired by Fuji TV in 2005 based on the life of Aya. The main character Aya Ikeuchi, played by Erika Sawajiri, depicts a girl with the same disease as Aya Kito who goes through many of the same problems.

The Chapters in One Litre Of Tears Diary

Chapter 1- My Family (14 Years Old)
Chapter 2- The sickness creeping up (15 Years Old)
Chapter 3- The beginning of Agony (16 Years old)
Chapter 4- I can’t sing anymore (17 Years Old)
Chapter 5- The truth (18 Years Old)
Chapter 6- Maybe there isn’t any cure at all (19 Years Old)
Chapter 7- I don’t want to give up (20 Years Old)
Chapter 8- Life’s Limit (21 Years Old)

Chapter 3.17 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

Shopping

My mom was making phone calls to different places and suddenly shouted from downstairs, “Let’s take Aya to Yuni ( a shopping center). They said they have a wheelchair so Aya, you can go too!”

It was during spring break and we were all at home. After taking forever for me to get ready, they put me in the car and off we went. We arrived at Yuni in 15 minutes.

With my favorite pochette hanging from my neck, I looked around the apparel section with my sister pushing the wheelchair from the back.

Everything looked interesting to me.



There was a pretty skirt and I wanted to wear it.

Since I always crawl, wearing a skirt would hurt my knee so I have always worn pants.

Wearing a skirt was a dream for me.

I grabbed some courage and pointed to the skirt.

My mom said, “It would be nice if you had one. It’s going to get warmer soon,” and bought me the skirt.

I was really happy. If I wore a white laced blouse with this flower printed skirt, and stood up straight and tall, I wonder if everyone would tell me I look cute. Just once…I would like to be told that.

We bought a lot of underwear, socks, and towels for my new life in the dorm.

Suddenly, I became sad. I’m going to the dorm in a few days and live away from my family. I had promised myself not to cry anymore, but I just can’t help it. Be strong. Be a strong person who can overcome anything.


Sidenote: Pochette is something perhaps many people are not familiar with. I think it is a more common word in Japanese, but it is a small bag carried around the shoulder. Below is a sample picture of a pochette.

-Kiwi

Chapter 3.16 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

Direct Appeal

Dr. Hiroko Yamamoto’s Profile.

She is small with short hair, and glasses. She is always wearing a white robe, but she wears earrings and rings that are not too fancy, which makes her look fashionable but not too gaudy.

She has been my doctor since I stayed at Nagoya University Hospital. When she transferred to Fujita (Nagoya) Hoken Eisei University, she contacted me so I changed hospitals with her.

She is quick-minded, prompt, and quick with anything she does. She is reliable and sometimes she would drive me to different universities for physical examinations. She is an amazing person.

When I asked her, “What high school did you graduate from?”

She simply answered, “Meiwa.”

Even I knew that Meiwa is a school for the elite. She told me that after Meiwa, she entered Nagoya University. I love her because she never boasts and is always so warm. When I’m with her, I cannot be my lazy self.

For a year and a half, I have continued to go to the hospital and at times was hospitalized, but I knew that my illness was getting worse.



Maybe because the cells in my cerebellum were being destroyed, but my body movements have become awkward and I have trouble moving my legs, since my knees would not bend.

I can’t even talk loud anymore, and can only say one word at a time. I can’t even laugh Wahahaha and when I try to, it comes out as Wawawa.

I still tend to swallow accidentally without chewing and I am losing my strength to move my tongue.

Next time when I go to the hospital, I’m going to ask the doctor, “Without hiding the truth, please tell me what's going to happen to me.”

It’s scary to ask, but I need to think about my future. Depending on her answer, I might need to re-think about how I'm going to live my life.

Hi everyone, I'm sorry I'm late with my update again (^^;) As you can see from this entry, Aya's illness is getting worse, but she is trying to accept it. I really admire how she is able to think about her future and how she wants to live her life to the fullest(o^^o)

-Kiwi

Chapter 3.15 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

Reflecting and Regretting

The time has finally come!

It’s March 22. The closing ceremony breezed by and I went inside the classroom. Everyone wrote me farewell messages on a paper.

I wanted to shout saying, “Thank you for always helping me! I will never forget you all. I’m going to be transferring to a new school, but I will try my best. I hope that you all won’t forget me, Aya the handicapped girl,”….but I couldn’t stop crying.



S-chan, Y-ko-chan…

“It’s a hassle sometimes trying to help Aya all the time.” My teacher told me what my friends had said one day.

I don’t know why I never realized it. I was always only focused on myself. It’s all my fault that I have made everyone feel this way.

Aah don’t say anything anymore! I’ve already reflected on my wrong-doings enough…



During the Star Festival, I wrote “I want to be a normal girl” and my sister got mad at me and asked me, “What makes you so different from a normal girl?”

I wanted to fight back saying, “What’s so wrong about writing the truth?”

I realized that it’s very difficult to admit that you are handicapped, even though you know that you are.



Sidenote: Star Fesitval, known as Tanaba in Japanese is celebrated on July 7th. People usually write their wishes on a small piece of paper and hang it on a bamboo. For more information --> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Festival



-Kiwi

Chapter 3.14 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony1

The Farewell

4 more days until the closing ceremony.
It seems like they are folding 1000 cranes for me (This is just my guess).
I will always keep it in my heart that I-san and G-san were folding those cranes for me, so that I will not forget even if we have to say goodbye.
It makes me happy that they are wishing for my happiness...but I wanted them to say, "Aya-chan, please don't go!"
My heart is full of hatred to my friends who didn't say that to me and to myself, for not trying harder so that people would say that to me.
But...to keep my promise with Mrs. Motoko (which is to not think badly of my friends), I didn't say anything.

When I told my mom, she started singing, "Forget about the past. If you keep looking back, you won't be able to move forward. Walk three steps forward, then two steps back.Life is～"
I started to laugh.

A friend gave me a cycad fruit. It's color is orange.
I love this color...it's such a really warm color.

I talked with Mrs. Motoko for the last time.
She listened to all my complaints.
"Don't be so harsh on yourself. Life isn't just about studying and school. What can you do if you're thrown into society when you only have academic skills? Studying was merely an escape route for your. You've avoided carrying your own bag, and washing dishes and only concentrated on studying... am I right? That's why your view of life is so narrow. You need to create a revolution. You should be happy that you were at least able to go to a normal school for a year. At the handicap school, there are children who have lived in hospitals all their life. Compared to them, you've been hit with the harshness of society, so you know not to always rely on people. For a 16 year old, you have an immature side and a mature side. You're an unbalanced person. This is because you haven't experienced enough of life for a 16 year old. It's not too late yet, so don't give up. Go and gain lots of things at handicap school, that you couldn't gain at Higashikou. You can even cause mischief. You can do it! But, it would have been better for Higashikou if you would have stayed."

I was really thankful to be able to meet such a great teacher. I'm going to tell her "goodbye" with a big smile.

When exams are over, there's no school until the closing ceremony.
My parents planned a small party for my friends, and all the people who helped and supported me this year.
We talked, played poker, and played gomoku narabe.
S-chan gave me a coffee cup, Y-ko-chan gave me a music box, and A-ko-chan gave me a dry flower.
My mom each gave us a fountain pen saying, "Goodluck with your studies and I would be happy if you would sometimes remember Aya when you look at this pen."
We all became silent. When I realized that the time for "goodbye" had finally come, my tears started to flow, but I tried hard to keep it from falling. I had promised myself to not say goodbye in tears.

I had a really fun time, but once everyone left, I became lonely and cried like a baby.

Sidenote: Closing Ceremony is when all the students of the school get together in the auditorium and the principal gives a speech. It is similar to a graduation, but different, since there is a closing ceremony on the last day of every semester. Also, there is a custom to fold 1000 cranes out of origami, to wish for the health of the sick people. Lastly, gomoku narabe(5 stones in a row) is a board game with white and black stones and the point of the game is to get 5 stones of your color in a row.

-Kiwi

Chapter 3.13 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony1

Organizing My Feelings

The class distribution for the junior class was announced.
My name is no longer there.
I was able to make a decision, but it still makes me sad.
Only if I could just be healthy...

Get over it already! How long are you going to stay like that!?
You have to be able to have confidence that you yourself CAN overcome this illness!
I can't write as well anymore...is this a sign that the illness is getting worse?

It's okay if you fall.
You can just get up again.
Why don't you look up at the sky, while you're down there.
The blue sky spreads across above you.
Can you see it smiling at you?
You are alive.

I cried in front of my friends.
It made me very sad when my club teacher asked me, "Are you quitting school?"
Does it make you feel good to be crying? Not only does it make the people around you feel bad, but doesn't it make you feel empty?
Then stop crying! You're cuter when you smile.
And if you have something to say, just say it before you start crying!

Right now I feel worthless.
I'm gonna skip shower and go to sleep.
Tomorrow, I'm going to the handicap school for an interview.
Make the decision and don't cry anymore.

I continue to hope and pray to become someone great.

Handicap school...this name has a dark image...
Why can't it have a different name?
There may be nursing help inside a school, but there are no nursing society...
Conference with my teacher.
"I think that you could continue your studies at Higashikou with this small degree of handicap.... I wonder if something can be done if you don't have trouble with actually taking the classes. Are you really satisfied? Because the average of the academic ability at a handicap school is pretty low."
I cried inside myself, "I don't wanna hear it anymore! I don't want any sympathy!"

I actually had a slight hope when Dr. Yamamoto called the Board of Education. But their answer was that they have left the decisions up to the principal.
My mother said, "We were told that Higashikou cannot take care of her any longer, so there's nothing we can do about it. Coming to this decision was very difficult for Aya, but I want her to have hope and start a new life. Aya herself has already made the decision. Please carry on with this decision that we have made."

Honestly I still had a connection with Higashikou, but listening word for word, to what my mother was saying, my feelings became one with my mother.
As long as she is my support, I will be able to go on.
God, I will listen to my mother. I felt a deep love in her action. I'm going to become a better and stronger person.

On the way home, I stopped by Emi-chan's house. I had called before I went, so my aunt had great food ready for me, and when I got there, everyone was waiting for me.
I ate until I was full, and I was so sleepy I couldn't even think about studying.

I was planning to do my best on my last final exam, but so many things were happening that I couldn't concentrate.
I couldn't help but to think about the "flowering quince" inside the classroom...the color is really pretty, but why was it given such a name?

Ms.Motoko said,
"Whether you choose to go to handicap school or stay at Higashikou, the ultimate decision lies in your hands. That's what it means to live."
But I thought to myself,
"I have no choice, but to go to handicap school. I wanna stay in Higashikou, but the school won't let me, because they say I can't keep up with the school life. So, it's not really my decision. You're just saying things in a nicer way."
Ms.Motoko continued, saying,
"1. Stay clean. Be very strict to yourself and don't let anyone think that handicap people are dirty.
2. Treasure your friends.
3. In the future, you should master typing.
4. Don't forget about Higashikou."
I didn't tell her, but I kept repeating what she said and how I felt, over and over again in my mind.

The people around me surround me, attacking me with the word "handicap." I forced myself to think that the handicap school was the only place for me, trying to calm myself, and made the decision to transfer.
I looked back a couple months since the path of handicap school came about.
Emotionally, I had made the decision, but I realized that nothing was really organized in my mind. That's why my emotions were always so unstable.

I read the Bible. I accepted Jesus' words and calmly thought to myself.... I'm sorry God, I still lack faith. It's very difficult to become a devout Christian.
Alright, I will put my feet firmly on the ground and think rationally.


1. Allows people to see that there are people like me through our daily school life. (Gain the kindness to help each other)
2. Having many complex by comparing my handicap self with the normal healthy people, becomes a power for me to try harder.
3. I can learn alot from my teachers and friends.


1. I cannot keep up with the class schedule.
2. I have the habit of relying on my friends and teachers.
3. I only hang out with the same group of friends and cannot join other larger groups.(My abilities has limitations).
4. I become a burden to people because I cannot help during cleaning time.

This is just my image.
1. I can live independently.
2. Become less of a burden to the people around me.
3. I can think about my future.
4. Gain skills needed in life.
5. Between the handicapped students, we will be able to understand each other.


1. Start to use the term "handicap" as an excuse.
2. Have less opportunities to interact with my healthy friends.
3. My learning speed will slow down.

Hi everyone! I'm sorry this entry is posted late! This was a long chapter and difficult to translate, but I hope its not too hard to understand. A sidenote: In this entry, Aya mentions a flower called a "flowering quince" which is called a "boke" in Japanese. This word boke means to be a little stupid, silly, or dense, so that is why Aya asks herself why the pretty flower is given such a name.

-Kiwi

Chapter 3.12 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony1

Revolution

I wanted to transfer schools by making the decision all on my own.
I have been telling myself that I would put an end to it by the third semester.


Mr. N, until today I have respected you and trusted you. It disgusts me how, he can just put an end to it like this.
He could have just told me directly, "Go to the handicap school, because this school can't take care of you any longer," instead of telling my mom, "It is taking her longer to get from class to class."
If he would just tell me straight forward, then it would be much easier for me to make my decision.
Stop staring at me!! Gosh this is so irritating.
He asked me, "Has your mother told you anything yet?"
Why do you have to hint everything! Just tell me!
Although my life is a continuation of hardships everyday, why couldn't you listen to what I had to say, so that I can leave this school feeling a little better.
If you would have let me talked, I could have easily said I will be transfering schools from junior year...
I was planning to go to the handicap school from April but...
I wanted to leave this school with confidence but I can't even do that now.
I can't leave feeling like this....


I talked to S-chan.
"At the handicap school you'll no longer be special, so you won't have to feel as distressed as you used to. But... if you have the desire to do things quickly, you can do it, so why don't you put some effort into it?"
I felt a sharp knife go through me.
Our friendship stays strong because of her 99% kindness and 1% strictness, so I didn't cry.
My emotions become numb when I'm in a great shock.
S-chan taught me to "think."

I was re-born.
Although I am physically handicapped, I thought my intelligence were the same as any healthy person.
Missing a step while climbing the stairs and falling all the way down...that's what it feels like.
My friends and teachers are all healthy. This truth makes me sad, but there is nothing I can do about this difference.
I am going to leave Higashikou and I will live "alone" carrying this heavy package called handicap.

I at least needed 1 litre of tears to make this decision and I will need more in the future.

I don't want to cry anymore.
Losing makes me frustrated.
If you feel frustrated, do something about it!
I can't continue to lose.

My first visit to the doctors' after New Years.
I was a little relieved after talking with Dr. Yamamoto.
Enthusiasm stirred up inside me.
My mother quickly talks about transferring to the handicap school.
My doctor said she would ask the board of education.
I started to get my hopes up, but even that was easily popped like a bubble.

I suddenly remembered myself being very rebeliious these past few days.
You(as in myself) have been relying too much on people.
I just realized this.
You have been taking advantage of the people around you.
That's why your friends got tired. It's too late to realize now.

We ate out at "Asakuma" (restaurant), which we haven't gone to in a while. My mother told my siblings about me transferring to the handicap school. I became irritated and said, "They already know, so don't talk about it!"
"It's true that Aya, you're the one transferring, but its not just about you. It's important for all of us to think, help, and cheer up one another, in order to solve family problems. This connection is very important," my mother said.
It's better to be naked once. I started to think that there is no need to feel the excitement.
Hamburger steak was really good. I ate icecreamm, which was for dessert in a second.

W-kun, O-kun, D-kun, thank you for always saying "hi" to me. It really made me happy.
M-kun thank you for carrying my bag.
I was finally able to say "Hi!" to H-kun...
This year was very long.
I really enjoyed this year with everyone. I'm finally ready.
Goodbye and take care...

Hi everyone, I'm sorry my update is late!! I caught a cold and had to concentrate on my schoolwork(TmT)
I'm okay now so no worries!! I'll continue the update(^^)v
For the sidenote, "It's better to be naked once" might be a little difficult to understand, but it simply means that once someone is naked (not literally, more like emotionally,mentally, inwardly), they can see something new. Like standing at a starting point.
I hope that wasn't too confusing!

-Kiwi

Chapter 3.11 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony1

My Decision

My mom went to visit a school for the handicapped, in Okazaki. She told me about it, and for some reason, I couldn't stop crying.
My sister is studying very hard, because its exam week. I'm doing nothing. I can't get the school for handicapped children out of my mind.

Honestly, I know that I can't stay at Higashikou for 3 years. I don't know anything about handicap school. It's an unknown world for me. Colombus and Gama must have went into the unknown world with 4 hopes and 6 fears.

Hope
1. I will be able to see a clearer future.
2. I will be able to live my own life.
3. The facilities and the system seems to be very good.
4. I will be able to make handicapped friends.

Fear
1. I will be less like a human.
2. I don't know if I'll be able to live with other people.
3. Saying goodbye to me high school friends.
4. How the people(society) will look at me (because of the image of handicap school).
5. Boys.
6. A change within the family.

I wonder if my little sister will remember me, even if I go away and stay in the dorm. And my brother...will he at least sometimes think about me? (This seems like I'm gonna go commit suicide or something).

S-chan has been living alone since freshman year, because her house is far and can't commute to school. The reason may be different from me, but I can understand her lonliness.

A big fly is buzzing by the the window. Flies in the winter need to be killed. But when I thought about them giving birth to many children in the summer, I couldn't kill it, feeling the importance of "life."

I was looking at the new classroom building from the window. I became emotional as I thought to myself "Aww this is Higashikou."
When I looked up at the sky, there was a white moon.

"You didn't choose to be sick. There are many things you can do, even if you are handicapped. If you were a person who didn't have the power to think, you wouldn't have been able to feel the kindness, and the warmth that people have, which you first realized after getting sick," says mom.

S-chan and I talked in the sunshine by the lakeside, listening to the birds singing.
"Aya-chan, you're one strange girl. You say, 'The sky is beautiful, it's so blue,' and is easily amazed. Your heart must be very pure," says S-chan.
I asked her, "Is there anyone that lets you be yourself when you're with them?"
"Hmm maybe my little sister or brother, because I can be arrogant. But I can be myself the most when I'm alone."
S-chan chose to live on her own. Aya is torn away from her family.
This is a big difference...

There is a girl in Biology Cub with braids who love mice. I walked with her to the library. I walked all on my own! I was very slow...but she walked with me adjusting her speed to my pace. She has 44 mice at home. She told me about the first time she got a mouse.
"Her name was Nana. She was a girl. She died from breast cancer. A mouse becomes
like a human when they get sick, and then die. It's very sad, seeing an animal die."
I don't know anything about her. I could ask the upperclassmen or the teacers, but I don't intend on asking them, because I want to get to know more about her through her stories.

I was able to talk to her again.
People call her Sa-chan.
Her family consists of her father, mother, younger sister, and the 44 mice. In her own yard, there is a graveyard for her mice and she puts grasses on their graves.
In French, the forget-me-not is translated as a mouse. Sa-chan told me that this was because the forget-me-not looks like a mouse.
"I (she uses Boku when she talks, even though she is a girl) think that when someone dies, they have died instead of me. You(Aya) have a bad leg. So, I think that I need to live my life earnestly for you."
"I believe that people have special power (I just nodd and listen to her). To an amoeba, we are people with special powers, so for a blind person, aren't people who are able to see, people with supernatural powers?"
Sa-chan doesn't toil. I love her! But neither Sa-chan nor Aya will be in Higashikou next year.

In English grammar class, K-chan cried saying she was disappointed. (She had gotten a low grade on her test).
The teacher became franctic and said, "Don't cry! If you're gonna cry, you should have tried harder in the first place."
It was scary. Thinking that I would never get in trouble like that no matter how bad my grade would be, made me sad.

I was telling Sa-chan about the time when my body became warm from doing sports.
"Playing push-and-shove is the best!"
"Even in soccer and basketball, you don't need to touch the ball, all you need to do is run."
I was a little embarassed when I rambled on about the things I cannot do anymore.

I watched the movie, "The Lily in the Field" on tv.
I believe in God. Thinking that God is probably testing me through these hardships, made me feel alot better. Somehow, I do not want to forget this feeling.

It's almost New Years. Many people helped and cared for me this year. It seems like next year is going to be a tough year... fighting against myself. This is because the Aya right now cannot admit that she is a handicap. I don't want to. It's scary. But I can't keep running away! If I go to handicap school...

It scares me to think about attending the handicap school. It may be true that it would be a great place for a handicap person like me, but I want to stay in Higashikou.
I want to study with everyone.
I want to learn about many things and become a big person.
I don't want to think about my healthy classmates leaving me behind.

My mother sometimes talks about the handicap school.
Aya is capable of doing things on her own even though it may take alot of time.
She told me how I can change from a person being helped, to a person giving help.
I am on the cliff of making a huge decision and that time is coming soon.

---

---

Some side notes for this entry: Higashikou is a short-hand way of saying Higashi High School. Also, Sa-chan uses the word, Boku which are used by boys for the word, "I." Therefore, Aya makes a comment about her using that word.

I will be trying to update the entries at least once a week, depending on my free-time.
I hope you'll understand that I am only a college student, working part-time, and doing volunteers, so I cannot update as much as I would like to. Nevertheless, I will try my best in translating Aya's diary! Thank you!

-Kiwi

Chapter 3.10 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

I don't wanna grow-up Harsh words come out of my mom's mouth as I cry endlessly. "Showing thoughts through crying is what a baby does! You're making high school students look bad!" I became even more miserable and continued to cry (like a small lamb in the forest). Dear Emi-chan (my cousin), Emi-chan, why is Aya such a crybaby? Why can't I laugh naturally like I used to? I want to go back to the past! I wanna make a time machine and ride it to go back to the past. Watch myself run, walk, roll around, and play with you... but then I come back to reality. Do I really have to come back to reality? I don't wanna grow up! Time...please stop! Tears...stop falling! Ahh...Aya just can't seem to stop crying. It's already 9PM. Time will continue to move even if I break all the clocks in the world. I can't stop time as long as I live. It's not about giving up... I just can't do anything about it. I love walking on the road. In 7th grade, I walked 5km from my house to the audio-visual center. If I pick up flowers as I walk, and look up at the blue sky, it's not a pain to walk at all. I loved walking more than riding a bicycle or a car. Only if I can walk on my own... One friend says that she feels like a bad kid when she's alone. Another friend says that she feels most like her human-self, when she's alone just day dreaming. When I'm alone...I don't like being alone, being alone is scary! I wonder what my purpose of life is. People always help me, but I can't do anything in return. To me, studying is my source of life, but I can't find anything that is more important. I can't walk the hallway which is only 3 meters. Can't a human live only with their mind? Can't I walk using only my upper half of the body? I wanna be like the air. The good-hearted person whose kindness overflows and people realize how important she was to them, once she is gone. I wanna be that kind of person. We had a seat change in class, and now I'm sitting in the front row. I need to plan out which path to take when I'm late for class. I need to becareful with my health or else I'll yawn, get a stuffy nose, and feel sick. For snack, I ate baked sweet potato. It was really good. It's only 2:30 but it seems like the sun is setting. I didn't notice how most of the sakura leaves from the Inari Mountain had fallen. Oh that reminds me! The school's maidenhair(ichou no ki) tree is turning!! Walking... by holding onto my friend's shoulders and the wall of the hallway, I fall when I look up. Today is open house. I'm glad my parents didn't come. I just don't seem to like the mothers. I get frustrated and my tears start to drop when they look at me from top to bottom with those discriminating eyes that say "There's a handicap person." Who would ever choose to have this kind of body! I couldn't help it, but to cry at dinner, when I was thinking about those mothers who came to open house. I know its no use crying, I'm sorry mother. I went to parent-teacher conference with my mom. If I try a little harder in math, I would be in top class! Let's do it Aya-chan! It's 11:00. I can see the half moon smiling through the east window. I wonder if I can pray if I turn off the light. Living with my healthy classmates, I sometimes feel an uncontrollable frustration. It sucks. But, when you look at it in another way, this frustration becomes a motivation for me to study harder. I love Higashi-kou (Aichiken-ritsu Toyohashi Higashi High School), my teacher, S-chan, Y-ko-chan, M-e-chan, I love everyone. I also love my senpai who gave me a chocolate when I was waiting at the candy shop! Hi everyone...I know it's been sooo long since my last update...and I'm really sorry. I will really try harder to keep this updating, because Aya's diary should be read by many people. I'm not the best or nearly the best translator but I will try my best to translate her diary so that I can share her wonderful diary, which is very inspiring, and has alot to say about life. Also, thank you for everyone who has been waiting patiently, leaving me messages, sending me emails. I really appreciate your uplifting encouragements. Alright, so now for the sidenote for this entry, the part where it says "the maidenhair tree is turning," that means the leaves are turning into different colors, like red, orange, yellow because its autumn. Also, "senpai" means uppper-classman, so if Aya was a freshman, then her senpai would be any sophomores, juniors, or seniors. -Kiwi

Chapter 3.9 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

The blank two hours(The time I wait at the candy shop)

It's scary how this two hours passes with me just daydreaming as I watch the people coming in and listening to their conversations. Ahh~ I'm wasting time.
When I took the bus to school, it was a pain, but I felt more like a "human."

I was walking (although my friend was supprting me).
I felt someone looking at me.
I kept on walking feeling a little uneasy.
Watching my back with arrogance and vanity, I heard a voice, "How sad...Is she stupid?"

Chapter 3.8 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

My Diagnosis

I can't make loud noises anymore. I dunno if my abdominal muscle got weaker or if my breathing capacity is getting smaller.

Maybe because I'm limited with where I can go, but I don't even know what I want anymore. But... I want to do something. I wanna do something so badly that I can't stand it. My hands and feet are being tightly bounded. People being nice to me is a pain for me.

Y-ko-chan came with me to the bathroom. I made her 5 minutes late. After my feelings of "I'm so sorry! I'm really sorry!" this frustrating feeling of "Why can't I do this simple thing on my own? I feel so stupid and frustrated!" just builds up inside me.

A victim is a human that has a heart too!
Not being able to hear is not a misfortune. It's convenient.
I want to be happy, so I have to find something that I can compete equally, with a normal person. You're only 16. You're still young so try harder!

During homeroom, we had the picking of the different officers. 45classmates, 44officers.
I didn't want to think that I was left out, so I decided to do an angel's job. I can pick up trash that's left on the ground, and even close the window. If I put myself into it, I can do alot of things.

I'm about to lose to the sickness.
No! I'm not gonna lose! No matter how hard I try and act happy, when I see my teacher, sisters, brother, and my friends walking normally, I feel miserable.

I wanted to see something that would touch my heart, so I went to go watch a marathon by myself. But, it only made me feel more depressed. I felt a melancholy feeling in "Running." My friends are going to leave me. I started to realize what a big handi it is to have a unhealthy body.

I decided to read my favorite book while sitting out during P.E.
I try to copy what I can get out from the book, "Hello Miss(Ojyousan Konnichiwa)," (Kusanagi Taizou).
Right now, I'm reading "I'm 20years old (Bokuwa 20sai)," (Oka Shinji) with the thought that I will never commit suicide.

I cannot live without thinking. I can't just simply say, "Oh well~."
Even walking....I think about what the best way of walking for me is, or if the path I'm taking isn't too rough for me, or cleaning as well... I think of ways I can do it on my own, in the most efficient way...
Even I feel pity for Aya.
But on the other hand there's good things too!
I can't go on without thinking that.

My body is becoming stiffer. I dunno if it's because it's getting colder, or because my sickness is getting worse, but I fall even when I'm holding onto something. It's too dangerous for me to go out into the road. Now my mom has to drive me to school. Before going to work, she drops me off at school. I hang onto her shoulder for support and she takes me to the shoe cupboard. While I put on the Uwagutsu (Everyone else has slippers), my mom runs to my classroom on the second floor to drop off my school bag and lunch.
Then I just slowly walk up to my class hanging onto the rail.
After school I wait until 6 'o clock at the candy shop across the street from school. The lady at the candy shop kindly told me, "You can go inside and do your homework or read."
Kids who are just going home from school, because of sports, come to the shop so it's a little embarassing, but I put up with it because there's no other choice.
I fell again while walking to my class. I got a slight cut on my right temple.
S-chan helped me up. Before I can say "Thank you," tears started falling out of my eyes and I couldn't make it into words.

---

---

Sorry for keeping you all waiting...but I'm back (^^)// Anyways, a couple of side notes: the officers mentioned in this entry is kind of similar to a class cabinet except it's like, there's 2 people in charge for each thing (such as the cleaning committee, cleaning committee...) Since Aya can't do any of it, she calls her job an angel job, where she does little things to help out. Also, uwagutsu is like a shoe worn inside a school (worn in elementary school) so it is different from slippers.

-Kiwi

Chapter 3.7 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

Agony

A thalidomide lady gave birth to a healthy baby girl. She changes the diaper and breast feeds, using her feet. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to feel happy for her, but only worry comes to me.

The Achilles tendon on the right leg feels stiff. I became depressed.

The most difficult thing for me is walking from one class to the next. I have to accept the help from classmates or hold onto something as I walk through the long hallways and stairs. It takes so much time, that I make my friends late to class.

Lunch time is a hassel too. Everyone finishes in like 5 minutes. I only get one bite or two in 5 minutes. Not only that, but I even have medicine to drink. When I feel like I won't finish eating in time, I drink down the medicine, look around, and if I see that there's someone else still eating, I try to eat as fast as possible. I wonder how many times I was able to finish eating my lunch. I feel bad not being able to finish the lunch that was made for me, but I just don't have enough time.

When I try to eat the leftover at home, "Give it to Koro. You can eat alot at dinner."

Aww what a waste. My lunch is like Aya+Koro.

Y-ko-chan and S-chan always helps me like they're my shadow.

"Sorry for always causing trouble."

"We're friends aren't we?"

This really makes me feel alot better.

"Friends are equal." But not always. Especially for me, I have to be carried and such or else I cannot survive school life.

I finally understand why the teachers sourly tell me, "Put in more effort to walk on your own."

There is only one road for me.

I don't have the right to pick my options. I can never go onto the same path as my friends.

If I make myself feel better by thinking that I'm going to walk the same paths as my friends, my own path will disappear...

I wanna go somewhere...

I wanna hit something really hard, yell and scream like crazy, fall down laughing....

Where I want to go.

Library, movie theatre, cafe(I wanna sit in the corner seat and drink lemon squash). But in the end, I can't go anywhere on my own. I feel so pathetic, miserable, and can't do anything about it, that I just cry.

I'm a big baby. But I can't help it. A crybaby and I have been together for 2 years now. Something little can't tear us apart.

Now, I can cry without making any noise and my nose won't turn red as long as I don't cry too much. There's nothing good about crying. It only makes me tired, makes my eyes puffy, plugs my nose, and takes away my appetite...

Lately I've been picking fights with people. Relationships with people are complicated. It's not like someone is wrong, but it just becomes worse without realization. I guess it's like my sickness. *tears*

---

---

This was a sad entry...wasn't it? It must be so hard on Aya even mentally when she feels bad all the time for the people who help her. I can sense her frustration as I read her diary because she can't do anything on her own. A little on the side note, Aya's friend's names Y-ko-chan and S-chan are used to keep their identities from the public. It's like in English using Person A and Person B. So these names aren't the actual names of the friends. Also~ thank you to everyone who commented on the entries and in the chatterbox!! I wish I can thank you guys individually...(^^;) but everyone's words are really uplifting!! It really does motivate me to keep translating!! Anyways~ don't worry cuz I'm going to continue to translate no matter how long it takes hehe

-Kiwi

Chapter 3.6 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

Friends I saw the sunset.The big red.... It quickly sank like a small sparkler firework that falls quickly, but it had a clear brightness to it. The color was really beautiful. It was the color of an apple. Y-ko-chan and I said "Isn't it so pretty?" to each other and we're speechless after that. We saw a trail of an airplane shining in the red sunset. I think Y-ko-chan is a really good person. When I told her I wanted to study at her house, she strictly said no. I was so sure that she was going to say yes. If I was in her shoes, I wouldn't be able to turn her down, and I wouldn't be able to study at my own pace, later regretting that I had said yes. Basically, I lack self-control. If I said that my physical handicap and my self-control is connected, would that be considered an excuse? It makes me happy that there is someone that can say what they think and that there is someone who listens to what you have to say. Friends treat each other equally so I'm grateful. S-chan told me, "I started reading because of you." That made me feel happy. It's okay if I feel that I wasn't just a trouble to my friends...right? "Aya-chan, you were crying alot that one time remember? You were so cute." "Really? Wow... no one has ever told me that before. But I saw myself in the mirror when I was crying before...and that wasn't a pretty sight." "Well, I didn't see your face. The way you cried was cute." "Haha that was harsh!" What was cute wasn't my face, but the atmosphere I gave when I was crying. We both laughed. Friends are so cool. I wanna be with them forever.

Chapter 3.5 - 16 years old- The beginning of agony

About my future

My mom and I talked about my future.
According to my mom, "Unlike people who cannot see or are handicapped, the things you were able to do before doesn't leave your mind. You think hard about why you can't do it anymore, and your emotions come out. So it always starts with the struggle with your mind. Even if others may view it merely as a machine-like radio exercise, its actually a struggle with your mind, it's a training. Aya, I think that as long as you live every day to its fullest, you'll have a future. Aya, you cry alot, and when I see you cry, I feel so sorry. But looking at reality, you have to understand where you are right now and make your life full, or else you'll never live with your feet on the ground. Mom and your siblings will help you with things you absolutely cannot do. But when we talk about our opinions, or argue we're straight forward aren't we? That's because we think of you as a real live normal person and a sister. So take it as words full of love that will help you grow stronger mentally. This is a training as well, so that you will be able to go on when someone tells you something that stabs you in the heart. You learn love, and love what you know...basically you're surrounded by love and knowledge as the name of the place where you were born, Aichi-ken."
As I listened and took in the fact of my illness, I thought I should start thinking about my future.
"I want to be a librarian. To do that, I wanna go to college. Then I can get a degree as a social worker..."
"It'll be hard to go out. You should think about something you can do at home. For example, translating."
"I wanna write a novel , but my life in society is pretty poor so I guess that won't work."
"You can decide that later, but for now do what you can do right now, and put the effort! yes the effort."
"Okay, I guess the only thing I can rely on is my scholastic ability."

---

---

Sorry I know it's been a while since my last update...hehe Well school i almost over for me so hopefully updates will come faster then (^^)v So this entry might have been a lil confusing...the use of words were kinda hard to translate but yah feel free to ask me anytime (>v<)// A little sidenote... The place where Aya was born, Aichi-ken is made up of two kanji characters, ai(love) and shiru(to know). so that's what her mom was referrring to.

-Kiwi